In the last two posts we’ve discussed two important ways we “move” or respond in our relationships: power and mindfulness (or knowing). The ‘power” response describes our ability to use our personal agency to take forward action. In the mindfulness response we step away from the situation in order to focus on “knowing” about the situation rather than reacting to it. There is a third movement or dimension called the heart dimension, or you can think of it as “love.” In the third response, heart or love, we show respect and regard for the other person involved in a situation. Like power and mindfulness, the heart dimension can operate not only in the positive zone (as described above) but also in the negative zone as well. My recent trip to India illustrates this well.
In an article published by Scientific American titled “The Dark Side of the Brain: Too Much Emotional Intelligence Is a Bad Thing,” the author suggests that “profound empathy” sometimes comes “at a price.” The suggestion is made that people with too much empathy are likely to be sidelined by stress more than those who do not have as much empathy. The author points to a Frankfurt study where students who were rated as having higher emotional intelligence (as determined by an empathy measure) also had higher levels of stress during an experiment (as measured by the level of cortisol in their saliva). While the study itself may be perfectly valid as far as it goes, there is a notable problem with the magazine article’s conclusion: the author equates emotional intelligence (EI) with empathy. This is a rather common mistake.
Last week I had a business meeting in Houston. On my ride to the Los Angeles airport my driver enthusiastically described Donald Trump as a great businessman who will get America back on track. He then expressed his outrage at all the “sore losers” protesting in the streets. A few hours later, on my ride from the Houston airport to my hotel, the driver explained with dismay that his young daughter had awakened in tears, afraid that she and her family could be deported. He was outraged that America could elect what he saw as “an insecure bigot.”
Never in my memory has the country been so divided in reaction to an election—a state of affairs clearly represented by my two drivers. It is amazing that any two of us can look at the same event with very different eyes. Some see Trump as a national treasure who will save America. Others see the same man as a dangerous narcissist and bigot. How can we see the same reality in such different ways?
Donald Trump is president elect. And unless you’ve been asleep for the past week, you’re aware that there has been an unparalleled reaction to the surprising outcome of the election. As I talk to friends, clinical clients and business clients, I’m seeing unprecedented personal and collective feelings of despair, anger and anxiety. (I suppose that if Hillary Clinton had won the Electoral College but lost the popular vote, many Trump supporters would be equally unhappy.)
I have—like most people—opinions about this election and its candidates. But that is not the purpose of this article. The intention of this article is to present a model to help the large number of people who are notably pained by recent events to respond with emotional intelligence rather than react. I will organize my thoughts around the three dimensions that I write about in both of my books: these are Power, Heart and Mindfulness, respectively.
July 18th was Mandela Day: A perfect time to look at how Nelson Mandela exemplified someone who found the balance of power, heart, and mindfulness in his great life.
As one of the most respected and beloved world leaders of the 20th century, Mandela instigated the peaceful transition of power in South Africa that many had thought impossible. And he accomplished this remarkable feat within the backdrop of his own personal and protracted sacrifice and suffering. Mandela received over 200 awards including the 1993 Nobel Peace Prize and the U.S. Presidential Medal of Freedom. He is held in deep respect within South Africa, where he is often referred to as Tata (“Father”). Continue reading “Nelson Mandela: Someone with the Balance of Power, Heart and Mindfulness”