Narcissism and Emotional Intelligence: An Introduction

How does narcissism fit with the three-dimensional model of emotional intelligence? Today we’ll answer that question, but stay tuned: In future posts, I’ll cover how narcissism relates to leadership, partnership, and parenting. This is a series you’ll want to follow because it’s likely you have had either a boss, a spouse or a parent who is (or was) a narcissist. You may even be a narcissist yourself (although you have likely stopped reading this by now if you are).

The term, “narcissism” comes from the Greek mythological figure, Narcissus, who rejected the advances of the nymph Echo. As his punishment, Narcissus was sentenced to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water—thus imprisoned forever by the endless preoccupation with his own image. This has been the plight of the narcissist ever since.

There are many definitions and diagnostic descriptions of narcissism. Here is a description that I find simple yet very helpful. James Masterson identified what he called the “Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism:”

  1. Shamelessness. Actually, narcissists have enormous amounts of deep-seated shame (not to be confused with guilt). It is so strong that the narcissist cannot process shame in a healthy way, so instead they often simply act without shame.
  2. Magical Thinking. Narcissists see themselves as near perfect. To maintain this belief they must use distortion and illusion—or magical thinking—to hide any imperfections, projecting shame and blame onto others instead.
  3. Arrogance. They are preoccupied with their own grandiose self-importance. They protect their delusional self-view by diminishing and degrading anyone who threatens it.
  4. Envy. As “great” as they imagine they are, narcissists are plagued by envy of what others possess or have achieved. They are constantly competing for the superior position.
  5. Entitlement. They hold an unreasonable expectation of favorable treatment, often holding blatant double standards––what’s not good for the gander is still somehow good for the goose.
  6. Exploitation. They exploit people, places, and things without regard to rules of law or the feelings or needs of others. And of course, people are expendable.
  7. Bad Boundaries. They do not respect others as psychologically separate from themselves but see others (especially those close at hand like spouses, children, employees) as mere extensions of themselves and their needs. When these “boundaries” are offended, the narcissist will often become enraged at the alleged offender(s).

Does this sound like anyone you know, grew up with, worked for, are married to or who run organizations or governments? It’s important to note a few things:

  • There are varying degrees of narcissism (from mild to malignant).
  • It comes in various forms and flavors (e.g. there are “soft narcissists” who disguise their “hard” narcissism by playing the role of the Grand Helper).
  • Most people have some degree of narcissism.

Clinical narcissism, which is what we’ll be discussing, goes beyond the “normal” narcissistic tendencies that most of us possess. This type and degree of narcissism is destructive to everyone: families, communities, organizations, and countries.

Quite a bit has been written about narcissism. The unique angle that I can contribute to the discussion comes from the three-dimensional model of emotional intelligence described in my two books (Follow the Yellow Brick Road and The Three Dimensions of Emotion). The 3 dimensions are:

  • Power (the Lion or Red dimension) is oriented around the “Self.” The positive expression of Red has to do with self-respect, self-regard, setting good boundaries, confidence, and non-destructive candidness. In its negative expression, it demonstrates shamelessness, magical thinking about one’s own importance, arrogance, envy, entitlement, exploitation and poor boundaries (does this list sound familiar?)
  • Heart (the Tin Man or Blue dimension) is oriented around the “Other.” The positive aspects of Blue have to do with love, caring, healthy dependency, vulnerability, and empathy. In its worst expression, it involves self-deprecation, depression, weakness, co-dependency, etc.
  • Mindfulness (the Scarecrow or Yellow dimension) is oriented around “Knowing.” The better more positive aspects of Yellow include wisdom, patience, self-control, differentiation from others. In its worst expression, it comes across as emotional detachment, indifference, and avoidance.

The most useful way to understand (and eventually deal with) a narcissist using the three-dimensional model is actually quite simple: Narcissists live mostly in the power dimension without the corrective balance of mindfulness and heart. Emotionally intelligent people employ the positive aspects of all three dimensions, but narcissists have all the worst attributes of Power without vulnerability, empathy, care or respect for others, or ownership of their own faults (these missing aspects are all Heart attributes). They are also without self-control, and without patience or tolerance for frustration and complexity (attributes of Mindfulness). And when you don’t have the correction of +Blue and +Yellow, your Red will always be out of kilter and negative (shamelessness, magical thinking about one’s own importance, arrogance, envy, entitlement, exploitation and poor boundaries).

Can you think of people in your life who could be described this way? We’ll talk more about how emotional intelligence relates to leaders (and parents and partners) in subsequent articles. So, stay tuned.

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Look Where You Leap: Manifesting Good Things in Your Life

What I am about to tell you is a little bit embarrassing. I share it with you in the hope that we may all be reminded of an important life-changing practice.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine, who is an experienced mountain biker, invited me to join him on a mountain cycling expedition. I took him up on the offer (mistake number one)—although to be fair, for the most part the experience was fun. However, at one point while descending a hill, I hit a section of the trail that was ravaged with gnarly grooves (some as much as a foot deep). When I saw the grooves, I tensed up (mistake number two). Focusing intently on the grooves so as to avoid them (mistake number three), I instead slipped into the grooves with gravity thrusting me forward from a bad angle . . . with a bad result. I went over, face-forward. I only saved the aforementioned face by sacrificing my arm and notably my elbow—which still hurts even as I write. Luckily I escaped more serious injury.

Why am I telling you this sad story? To garner a little pity?

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Sexual Exploitation: More Exploitation Than Sex

As a psychologist, I specialize in working with what has come to be known as sex addiction. It is difficult to work with this population without stumbling into related issues of marital infidelity as well as sexual exploitation. I want to propose that although all of these areas of concern have things in common (like sexual behavior) they are distinct in their own ways. For example someone who has an affair might not be a sex addict and is not likely to be exploitive given the mutually consenting nature of an affair.

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Grit or Emotional Intelligence: The Winner Is?

In her TED talk titled Why Some Students Fail and Other Students Succeed, teacher turned psychologist Angela Lee Duckworth reveals the one factor that determines whether a student will succeed or fail. She suggests that, in general, IQ has been the easiest factor to measure to predict success. And while other factors such as social intelligence, good looks, socio-economic status, physical health and talent are also considered in predicting success, her conclusion from the research suggests that the one factor that stands out more than any other factor is what we call “grit.” But what is grit?

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All You Need Is Love . . . And Power and Mindfulness

In the last two posts we’ve discussed two important ways we “move” or respond in our relationships: power and mindfulness (or knowing).  The ‘power response describes our ability to use our personal agency to take forward action. In the mindfulness response we step away from the situation in order to focus on “knowing” about the situation rather than reacting to it.  There is a third movement or dimension called the heart dimension, or you can think of it as “love.”  In the third response, heart or love, we show respect and regard for the other person involved in a situation. Like power and mindfulness, the heart dimension can operate not only in the positive zone (as described above) but also in the negative zone as well. My recent trip to India illustrates this well.

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Emotionally Intelligent Power: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Emotional intelligence is about the ability to navigate interpersonal relationships constructively. In my latest book I describe the three dimensions of the interpersonal world: Power, Heart and Mindfulness. When we find that dynamic balance or “synergy” between all three (in their positive mode) we find emotional intelligence and optimal human functioning. And when we don’t have that balance, we get disharmony and human dysfunction. This is never so true as when it comes to the Power dimension.

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For Mindfulness When Things Go Wrong, Call AAA

When Americans get a flat tire, we call the American Automobile Association (AAA). When something unexpected happens to us in life, we would be wise to call on AAA as well. That is, the AAA of self-awareness: Accept what is. Allow what you feel. Act if you can. This is a practical manifestation of mindfulness: one of the key tools at our disposal for developing emotional intelligence.

In my book The Three Dimensions of Emotions: Finding the Balance of Power, Heart and Mindfulness, I refer to an idea that I heard when listening to a lecture by Eckhart Tolle (most known for his best-selling book, The Power of Now). I would summarize it like this: Accept what is externally real, just as it is. Honestly allow what you feel internally about the situation. Then take action if and when you can.

If you or I could practice this in response to the inevitable (if not daily) things that “go wrong,” we would have a categorically better life. These things could be on any scale from something small (a traffic jam or dropping your favorite mug) to something large (having a serious disease or grieving the loss of a loved one). And these things can go wrong in any life space, whether at home with a spouse, at work leading a difficult team on a challenging project, or in any other sphere. So how can we take practical steps to apply this mindful approach?

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Emotional Intelligence: Why There’s Not a Dark Side

In an article published by Scientific American titled “The Dark Side of the Brain: Too Much Emotional Intelligence Is a Bad Thing,” the author suggests that “profound empathy” sometimes comes “at a price.” The suggestion is made that people with too much empathy are likely to be sidelined by stress more than those who do not have as much empathy. The author points to a Frankfurt study where students who were rated as having higher emotional intelligence (as determined by an empathy measure) also had higher levels of stress during an experiment (as measured by the level of cortisol in their saliva). While the study itself may be perfectly valid as far as it goes, there is a notable problem with the magazine article’s conclusion: the author equates emotional intelligence (EI) with empathy. This is a rather common mistake.

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What Color Will You Be This Holiday Season? A Look at How We Emotionally React

There are three general ways that we emotionally react to stress, threats and anxiety: Fight, Flight and/or Freeze & Appease. (Yes, you learned this in biology class.) In my book I refer to the three movements or dimensions using the three primary colors: Fight is Red; Flight is Yellow; and, Freeze & Appease is Blue. So when you find out at a holiday meal that your niece went to a protest against Donald Trump you might react from the Red paint bucket by angrily railing at her, and every other liberal, for being sore losers. Or if your sister’s husband lists all the ways that Trump will in “make America great again,” you might react out of the Blue paint bucket by coming around to “see his point of view”—even though you voted for Hilary because you saw Trump as dangerous. Alternatively, you might go absolutely silent and emotionally detach (Yellow paint bucket) when your Uncle Bud goes on about Obama being a Muslim. We can blend the colors as well. For example, you can go into the Purple space (reactive Red and Blue) and dominate a conversation at the dinner table, not letting anyone else have a say.

All of us react in one (or a blend) of these three ways throughout the year in our public and private relationships, whether toward a spouse, a child, a boss, an employee, the idiot who just cut you off, or the president of the United States. And when we do, our limbic system (emotional brain) gets triggered and we get thrown out of balance—to the detriment of others and ourselves. But we can almost always count on our vulnerability to reactivity when co-mingling with relatives at Holiday event, when we come together with those whose ties with us are not necessarily of our own choosing.

So what can we do to mitigate our reactivity?

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Close Encounters with the Other Kind: Tips for Tranquil Family Holidays

Last week I had a business meeting in Houston. On my ride to the Los Angeles airport my driver enthusiastically described Donald Trump as a great businessman who will get America back on track. He then expressed his outrage at all the “sore losers” protesting in the streets. A few hours later, on my ride from the Houston airport to my hotel, the driver explained with dismay that his young daughter had awakened in tears, afraid that she and her family could be deported. He was outraged that America could elect what he saw as “an insecure bigot.”

Never in my memory has the country been so divided in reaction to an election—a state of affairs clearly represented by my two drivers. It is amazing that any two of us can look at the same event with very different eyes. Some see Trump as a national treasure who will save America. Others see the same man as a dangerous narcissist and bigot. How can we see the same reality in such different ways?

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